I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
You Might Also Like
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
The 4 stages of a family vacation