wtf is a larm clock?
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[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.