As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
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Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror