Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
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11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Realize this:
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours