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Page of wildethingy's best tweets

@wildethingy : Wife: I'm sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

@wildethingy: I've become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON'T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

@wildethingy: I could never be a serial killer. There's far too much cleaning.

@wildethingy: I feel like my heart's been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

@wildethingy: The human mind is capable of things you can't even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

@wildethingy: Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

@wildethingy: When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

@wildethingy: The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

@wildethingy: Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

@WildeThingy: Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don't get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I'm doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker