@wildethingy I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
@wildethingy 
@wildethingy How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
@wildethingy Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
@wildethingy How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
@wildethingy I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
@wildethingy There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
@wildethingy I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
@wildethingy Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
@wildethingy I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
@wildethingy I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.