@wildethingy

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

@wildethingy

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

@wildethingy

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

@wildethingy

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

@wildethingy

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

@wildethingy

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

@wildethingy

I am not a monster and if anyone says I am then I’ll devour their children.

@wildethingy

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

@wildethingy

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

@wildethingy

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.