
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I am not a monster and if anyone says I am then I’ll devour their children.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.