You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.