[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
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Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.