the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.