Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
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How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I beg your pardon?
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st