I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
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“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together