I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a tabletop fountain.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian