@WilliamAder

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

@WilliamAder

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

@WilliamAder

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

@WilliamAder

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

@WilliamAder

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

@WilliamAder

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

@WilliamAder

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.