She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.