I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.