@WilliamAder

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

@WilliamAder

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

@WilliamAder

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

@WilliamAder

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

@WilliamAder

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

@WilliamAder

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

@WilliamAder

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

@WilliamAder

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.