Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.