Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.