I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.