Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
to the fridge for a snack.