@WilliamAder

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

@WilliamAder

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

@WilliamAder

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

@WilliamAder

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

@WilliamAder

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

@WilliamAder

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

@WilliamAder

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

@WilliamAder

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

@WilliamAder

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.