when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
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I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.