@WilliamAder

In a perfect world, the phrase “axe body spray” would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.

@WilliamAder

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

@WilliamAder

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

@WilliamAder

Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.

@WilliamAder

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.