On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
You Might Also Like
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…