hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
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titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge