If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
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[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
i love modern commerce
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers