“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
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Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
my astrological sign is a french fry
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
water it, i dare you
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
It’s a gift
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably