*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.