Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. In case you are wondering "But Why!". We post nice "night mode" funny tweets that are easy on your eyes when you are lying down on your side and night and scrolling through your phone while trying to get numbed up and forget the day. Click here to follow us

Page of WineMummy's best tweets

@WineMummy : *walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn't go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

@WineMummy: Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

@WineMummy: Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

@WineMummy: Nothing says you're over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

@WineMummy: Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

@WineMummy: The only reason I'm on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

@WineMummy: Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There's one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.

@WineMummy: "DIDN'T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!"

~A parent's memoir.

@WineMummy: Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

@WineMummy: *gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.