@WineMummy

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

@WineMummy

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

@WineMummy

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

@WineMummy

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

@WineMummy

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

@WineMummy

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

@WineMummy

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

@WineMummy

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

@WineMummy

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.