These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.
These people act like they’re never seen a naked store mannequin, holding a wine glass, sitting on someone’s front porch before.
Note to self: Don’t get so drunk and try to ride the zoo animals, no matter how friendly they are.
Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won’t talk to you.
If you ever come home and I’m in your house naked, I’m not stalking you. I just needed to borrow your wine opener, mine broke.
When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.
COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.
The steak that I put in the Easy Bake Oven as a child is still not done
Be careful how much wine you drink, might end up vacuuming the driveway in your panties
People tell you to make yourself at home but then look confused when you drink their liquor and take a nap in the kitchen