Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
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Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.