I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Pat is about to own someone
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please