Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
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this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.