My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
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Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
When they try to steal your moment.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up