Alexa; make it look like an accident
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[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.