alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .