Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
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The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
😂💯
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.