DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
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Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it