What the hell is going on?
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How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
God has left this place
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??