Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
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Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?