What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
You Might Also Like
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.