My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
“Will I ever live in a clean house again?”
*shakes magic 8 ball
*magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
*goes to bed