@WorkingMom86

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

@WorkingMom86

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

@WorkingMom86

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

@WorkingMom86

“Will I ever live in a clean house again?”

*shakes magic 8 ball

*magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess

@WorkingMom86

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

@WorkingMom86

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

@WorkingMom86

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

@WorkingMom86

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

@WorkingMom86

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed