People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
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ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
This is true.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
They’re the worst 😩
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I saw this ending much differently.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY