My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
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Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.