If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
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*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”