[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
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*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.