Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
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“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond