If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
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Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
work smarter, not harder
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired