I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
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No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.