Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
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*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.