My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
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I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that