Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
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Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org