I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
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Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”