It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
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The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Me too
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol