When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
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riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”