People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
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me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness