*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
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Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.