HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
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How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.