@XplodingUnicorn: I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, "Hold still. I know what I'm doing."
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Are you done cleaning?
Me: So what should you be doing?
She cleans like me.
@XplodingUnicorn: The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: "No, you don't need more candy."
Toy store: "No, you don't need more toys."
Hardware store: "No, you don't need a nail gun."
@XplodingUnicorn: 7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can't win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Who's your favorite mom?
Me: Who's your favorite dad?
@XplodingUnicorn: [feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It's a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don't have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I'm sending you?