Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.