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Page of XplodingUnicorn's best tweets

@XplodingUnicorn : 5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don't remember.

@XplodingUnicorn: 9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we're lying.

@XplodingUnicorn: 9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That's okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can't go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don't get paid enough.

@XplodingUnicorn: 7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It's a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She's my financial planner now.

@XplodingUnicorn: I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, "Hold still. I know what I'm doing."

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

@XplodingUnicorn: The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: "No, you don't need more candy."

Toy store: "No, you don't need more toys."

Hardware store: "No, you don't need a nail gun."

@XplodingUnicorn: 7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can't win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.