@XplodingUnicorn: 9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we're lying.
@XplodingUnicorn: 9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That's okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
5: I can't go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don't get paid enough.
@XplodingUnicorn: 7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It's a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She's my financial planner now.
@XplodingUnicorn: I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, "Hold still. I know what I'm doing."
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Are you done cleaning?
Me: So what should you be doing?
She cleans like me.
@XplodingUnicorn: The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: "No, you don't need more candy."
Toy store: "No, you don't need more toys."
Hardware store: "No, you don't need a nail gun."
@XplodingUnicorn: 7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can't win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.