@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer?

Me: No.

4: Can I check?

Me: Do you have a warrant?

@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time.

So what if it was the wrong song?

There’s never a bad time for “We Will Rock You.”

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Can we go get ice cream?

Me: It’s freezing outside.

4: I know. It won’t melt.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

@XplodingUnicorn

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?